echo-echo

‎”At some point everyone must decide if they are a creator or a critic, a lover or a hater, a giver or a taker.”

2012-01-23T15:13:00.001-07:00

I had a really enjoyable weekend in Boise. After being in Provo it is ALWAYS nice to be in a place and around people where things are just as they seem. My family and especially my nephews make me so incredibly happy.
One of the nights I was putting my nephew to bed and he was obviously not happy with the options I was offering him. I was trying to be stern, however he mentioned being scared and that broke me. I remember being scared as a kid. Being scared as a child seems so real even if it logically is the most outlandish fear. So, I couldn't subject him to that. He is so sweet and heedless to the fact that I wasn't doing things the way he would have liked, he gave me the most sincere, kind, genuine "Thank you" when he asked me if I gave him 4 BIG scoops of chocolate in his chocolate milk. It was a heart softening moment. The kid holds no grudge, just love. There is a purity to the love that exists with my family that I truly crave in a romantic relationship.
That being said I had much time to ponder during the drive there and back. I watched a video a few days previous to leaving about a photographer who puts himself in some resplendent, yet sometimes vulnerable situation. In describing his experience he pin pointed a moment as the instant his "heart beats hardest". I couldn't get over that statement. The beauty in the way he chose to describe his vulnerability and intoxication was striking. Of course I instantly began evaluating these moments, my life and these moments, and what makes these moments possible. I longed for more of these moments. Scrutiny lead to the realization that many of the layers to this greater "hard heart beating" whole were risky and difficult to open up to. I chose the word vulnerable on purpose because that is what it takes. All these moments demand vulnerability. Sometimes the deposit is low and sometimes it is enough to make one wince.
I find that I am nearly always more than eager to make this offering in my creative endeavors, because for me the price is low. The territory of romance being on the opposite spectrum. I not only wince, I pause, I debate, and then I flee. I must be willing to take a greater risk. I know that pushing off shore can be a great, scary risk, however that push out into the open ocean of unknown could lead me to discoveries and locals far greater than the risk.
I have even found that sometimes, however rarely, that I unknowingly paid up. Recently even just the idea of that touch, or that look, that voice and that laugh can lead to some pretty heavy pounding of this unrisky heart. The actual realization of these moments are most certainly the moments MY "heart beats hardest"! I am afraid even paid without my consent the vulnerability remains and the unreciprocated feelings can cut just the same.

interpret this as you wish. I know some of it is pretty vague.

Preach on Preacher man!

2012-01-17T23:21:00.001-07:00

As part of my seeking of new experiences I have considered starting a hip hop project. Sounds strange right? I figured I love truth, I love writing, I love poetry, and I love some good jams. Here is what I aspire to:

Please OR Thank You

2012-01-08T17:40:00.000-07:00

I have found an interesting side effect of attempting to blog more. I am more attentive of my own life. More than a few times I have found myself paying extra close attention to a conversation, or mentally stepping out of a social situation to survey what is going on around me to observe the interesting things that could possibly become an entry.
As I have stated before, and as you might be able to tell from the overall tone of my blog, I will write about my dissections of things rather than the things themselves. I love a good story, however usually it is what lies beneath it that really intrigues me.

So, while having a long conversation this weekend I took a mental and literal note to write about a lesson I learned a few years ago. I am going to preface it with describing a situation then how I later learned what I believe went wrong.
In a previous relationship I recall going on a walk and talking about, for the most part, the typical routines of daily life. At some point I was presented with a situation this individual was concerned about and agitated with. I thought little of it and offered what I felt like was a helpful/comforting " don't worry about it, it will be OK." etc, yada yada sort of thing. The walk then became an escalating game of her acting irritated and me being irritated because I had extended what I felt was a nice big helping of manly comfort that wasn't being gratefully accepted. The walk ended disastrously and left me with my mind blown!

Almost a year later, no longer in this relationship, I heard some council that instantaneously transported me back on that walk. The council is basically thus, In all communication we are trying to say one of two things, please or thank you. Meaning, if we rummage through all the words and body language of a conversation we can simplify it down to PLEASE accept me, PLEASE help me, PLEASE value my opinion, etc... OR THANK YOU for being a good man/woman, THANK YOU for all you do, THANK YOU for listening, etc...
So, far removed from the frustrating moments of that walk my mind reached back and made the connection that according to this new information I had made an insufficient offering. I failed to realize that she was saying PLEASE validate what I am feeling, PLEASE make me feel like it is OK to be upset by this. I didn't do that, I simply dismissed what was so serious to her by saying a flippant "Don't worry about it, it will be OK." Instead of providing a warm blanket and embrace I provided a ratty sheet and a pat on the back. I WILL NEVER MAKE THIS MISTAKE AGAIN!

Beautiful

2012-01-04T00:40:00.001-07:00

Don't judge me

2012-01-02T21:55:00.001-07:00

Just watched "Into the Wild". Extremely interesting movie. Kind of slow, however there were some things that inspired me. I enjoyed it's simplicity. It reminded me that I don't DO enough. I don't have enough experiences to build my soul. This is something that needs to change. It is time to seek experience not wait for it to happen.

Most of all I loved the honesty I felt during the film. I kept thinking about how much life lacks honesty. The ironic thing about it is honesty as a whole is beautiful and pure yet in many individual forms can be cruel and trying. I appreciate honesty ALWAYS even in its most unlovely cast. I shouldn't want it as much as I do. My masculinity hates to admit that I am probably too fragile for it most of the time. Often I'm trying to filter through encounters with people because who can really count on another's veracity? Funny how we are all tying to protect one another, or just protect ourselves because we don't want to feel bad for possibly hurting someone's feelings.

Honesty can be incredibly formidable! Since I am on my soapbox proclaiming that I want more of it I believe it is only fair to be honest about me. About often visited and rarely shared matters I confront.

(DEEP BREADTH)

I over think most of what I do and say because what comes natural feels sad and pathetic.
I am afraid of looking pathetic because it is unattractive. (that is why writing this is so hard)
I am intimidated by much more than I would like to admit.
My natural reaction to difficult situations is to quit instead of fight.
I get tattoos because I don't like the way I look.
I am afraid of never being loved.
I have a love/hate relationship with my faith.
I am way too vain.
I am hard on people and MUCH harder on myself.
I can be manipulative.
I always feel second rate and spend too much time feeling bad for myself.
I am currently thinking about not posting this, hahaha.

Definition:

truthfulness, candidness

Synonyms:

bluntness, candor, confidence,conscientiousness, equity, evenhandedness,fairness, faithfulness, fidelity, frankness,genuineness, goodness, honor, impeccability,incorruptibility, integrity, justness, loyalty,morality, openness, outspokenness, plainness,principle, probity, rectitude, reputability,responsibility, right, scrupulousness, self-respect, sincerity, soundness,straightforwardness, straightness, trustiness,trustworthiness, uprightness, veracity, virtue

2012

2012-01-01T22:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know how many times I have attempted to be better at this blogging thing? Non the less here I am promising my self I will make a better effort. Of course there should be no stupefaction that this is happening now with the beginning of a new year.
I gave up the blind optimism of what a new year will bring a long time ago. Now the best I can say is that I have NO expectations and high hopes. Age and disappointment are a poor recipe for cheerful expectations.
Life has a way of grinding away, choking, kicking, drowning, and laughing at how one envisions their future. As skeptical and cynical as I have become there always remains that ever shrinking flash of "maybe this year will be different"! Will it be? Who knows? Probably not. Can it be? Yes of course.

I am probably starting this year off as unstable as I have ever started a new year. Regardless, I currently have a stronger faith in not giving up than ever before. Simply put my plan is thus...Dust myself off and try again. Try to understand myself better, try to be more consistent, try to build more independence, try to avoid traps and bad behavior, try to build a better relationship with the Savior, and as always try not to go completely insane.
Whether or not surrendering certain reveries will have a positive or negative effect on 2012 is of course yet to be seen. Will new hopes grow in their place? or will I fold and settle for lesser ambitions? How much fight do I have left? Is there really a place that I can both be myself and obey the truths I believe?

I have much gratitude for the things in my life that hold real substance, are constant, and lift my heart with great happiness.

2010-06-02T23:55:00.000-06:00

I can feel life leveling out. I am so grateful for the amazing direction my life has taken the last few months. Coming back to California wasn't anywhere on my radar, however now that I am here I know this is where I need to be. I wish assurances like that came with a script or map or something with an X and a dotted line on it. The X obviously representing my purpose or destination and the dotted line representing the path to get there. It has been so easy for me to get lost in my eternal purpose. My personality grasps for something tangible to hang-on to. When I feel around in vain I get tired, frustrated, discouraged and irritated. My resolution is to find a smaller more perceptible purpose that can be a sort of tugboat that carries me forward along with that larger more eternal purpose. What that is I know not? How I will find it, I know not?
On another note, an inventory of my behavior has shown me something I need to work on. Interaction with people has changed for me. I have always liked to consider myself as someone who doesn't let negative experiences negatively effect me. Well, that isn't the case. Recently I have found that as I open up and allow my feelings to attach themselves to another, I get to a point where my emotions have these moments of deep skepticism. My emotions have a sort of panic attack. Their hands get sweaty, it's heart beats fast, it takes deep breathes, and wonders "is this the moment they leave?"
I realize now that I have killed relationships by needing to much reassurance. I need to be reassured because I don't trust people's words or behavior. I have been left by people I never expected to bail. This anxiety comes out in being overly emotional, over analytical, and nervous. The irony is this behavior is creating the very thing I fear to come to pass.

My hope is that I can change behavior and find where in the puzzle I fit.

2010-05-23T23:00:00.000-06:00

Being back in California feels official! I got my Disneyland pass yesterday. It was so great to be back there. After frequenting Disneyland so often there are very few things I haven't done. Yet, yesterday I road in the caboose of the train on the Disneyland Railroad for the very first time. It was quite thrilling. Yep, that's right I said thrilling.
I pride myself in being observant, catching moments that others might miss or ignore. I try to find beauty everywhere I go and really be a student of life. As I have focused on this quirky part of my personality I now realize that some of these moments find me. There are rides that 99% of the time we hit. They are just those faithful rides you can't get enough of. Pirates of the Caribbean happens to be one of those. As I was mindlessly admiring the surroundings of an "adventure" I have taken many times I began to notice the people in front of me. It was a couple with a young kid, no older than a year old. The ride no longer mattered all I could do was stare and devour this beautiful family snapshot. The couple were both huddled close leaning down into the baby whispering and pointing out things they wanted him to see. All three of there heads were almost touching. The babies head just kept turning looking in all the directions they were pointing. I don't know if I can come close to manifesting in words the beauty and feeling of watching that. Maybe it is something that can only be felt and not explained?
It's funny and enlightening to me that while being surrounded by all the excitement and flashiness of an amusement park THAT was what captured ALL my attention and was by far my favorite moment at Disneyland that day.
I couldn't help but be taken back to my childhood. Not as myself, more as an onlooker and feel an immense amount of affection for those sorts of moments I must have had with my mom. Thinking of me as a boy and my mom's excitement to show, share, and teach me these new fun things really, really touches my heart.
How grateful I will be to participate in moments like those not on the outside. How excited and anxious I am for them to arrive.

Movies in my mind.

2010-04-25T07:26:00.000-06:00

The trade show I am working this weekend is killing me. I was supposed to wake up in an hour for it, however obviously I am up early and can't go back to sleep. My dream woke me up. My mind just played for me a slightly bizarre version of my current circumstances. Not only the surface but some of the deeper creatures lying beneath it. It is a funny thing to see some of your intangible feelings and even insecurities played out in a visual, broken story. I liked very much the way this dream version played out, however will it happen on its own or do I fight to make it happen? Or is it teasing me and this version is something I only enjoy in my dreams?
The mind is a fascinating thing to me. I tend to want to explore it and see what I can find. My mind feels mostly like a jungle that takes tremendous effort to just see a matter of feet in front of me. There are more illuminating moments that are like standing on a peak and surveying the vast landscape of a twisted path. Still very complex, knotted, and even baffling yet there is some perspective.
To see this this intellectual creature inside your head run free and then project what it comes up with on the walls of your dreams is thrilling, scary, and most of the time extremely strange.

...So on and so forth.

2010-04-18T11:28:00.000-06:00

I HAVE to be better about keeping my blog updated. I feel I have this standard to keep up with. I feel if every entry isn't perfectly written or expressive it isn't worth doing. I am sure that is a reflection of the way I live my life and something I need to get over.

So, life recently has been a whirlwind. I have seen some amazing blessings and am thrilled with where I have been led. I am so grateful for my time in Boise. It is only there that I was able to heal and get healthy. I had amazing support and in some ways feel more comfortable there than anywhere else. I needed that and it proved to be a huge sidekick in straightening out my life. For the first time since my mission I feel whole. I am seeing my faith and effort bare fruit. Instead of always looking back and wishing I had done things different, I look back and see what I learned from everything I went through. My nature has truly changed. There is a hope that coincides with the progress I am making. If there is anything I have learned recently it is that life is up to me. Are my trials going to defeat me or am I going to be strong and use them as learning opportunities. Will frustration and discouragement crush me or will I choose to instead counter with increased faith and optimism? Life will no longer live me. At times all I could do was "HOLD FAST". I felt I should have been doing more, and maybe I could have been? However simple endurance became a pivotal point. I now have an illustration, a reference for future situations when I wonder "is it worth it?" or "can I do this?". I know the answer is yes and that blessings WILL follow.

Of course along with the new opportunity come new challenges. The questions of how to approach new relationships. How to choose what to keep in my life and what needs to be dissolved. Where should I focus my energy? How do I most effectively prioritize my life? In some areas I feel so awkward. Can I adapt effectively to all these new great things?

29

2010-03-22T11:54:00.002-06:00

Ideally I wouldn't be 29 and feeling like it is only now that I am getting things together. However with things the way they are I want to look back on my life and see that everything turned around the year I turned 29! No more not starting because it will take too long, or wont be as perfect as I want. No more finding ways around things. No more fear. No more avoiding. No more frustration. No matter where my life goes I will be steadfast. I will be faithful. I will hold fast.

The Year in Review

2010-01-19T20:40:00.006-07:00

I've wanted to write another post for a while yet every time I've tried nothing has filled my mind. Which is interesting considering my life right now offers tons of food for thought. Anyway, my intention is to just write and see what comes forth. Maybe some diamond of inspiration will be revealed.
Considering it is January and not only the start of a new year, but the start of a new decade I should consider what changes I would like to see in my life. This past year has been brutal. Easily the hardest time I've had to date. I would use the word "worst" to describe it, however there is much to learn if I allow it and if I choose to take these trials and become a better person through them I don't feel this year deserves the title "worst". I guess how this year effects me is yet to fully be seen. Here are some things I have learned this year: Control my impulses (be less impulsive), Listening to the Spirit is not optional, I am not afraid to be alone and am happy on my own. What is important in a relationship, patience, and much more.
This year and beyond I hope to become more refined, more pure, more educated. I want to achieve independence and self reliance. I hope to take more control of my life and begin my legacy of love and service. Most of all I want to find paths and create patterns in my life that will allow me to achieve success and balance.
I have gained a testimony of paths this year. Let me testify of what I learned. In listening to a talk called "How will I know" about choosing who we will marry-which I listened to during my divorce Ironically enough-I was blessed with a truth that opened up my understanding. This illustration is Mormon specific, however hopefully I can open it up to general application. In the talk Brother Wilcox talks about how we need to be on the road to the Celestial Kingdom and when we look for individuals to be a part of our lives we should seek those on the same path. The mind opening moment came when he simply stated "the best things in life come on that road". (Note I will use the phrase road and path synonymously). For some reason my mind, my spiritual mind clung on to that statement and would not let it go. I had no choice but to ponder. I knew what he said was true and the idea appealed to me very much. Once I collocated this statement with my own life the idea of paths began to bloom. I realized that in my life I would step off that path yet still want and sometimes expect the same results as if I was on it. I would be getting tattoos and continue to plan on meeting someone that I could marry in the Temple. I testify this can not happen. I believe too often we step off certain paths in our lives and think that we can get the same result as if we remained on it. This can apply to all aspects of our life. Sometimes we have a desired result and don't take time to find the path that will lead us there so we wonder aimlessly across many paths to nowhere. How grateful I am for a path that I know will lead me to the best things. This path can be so difficult at times, however it is also riddled with blessings and beautiful landscape. How grateful I am for Heavenly Father who always welcomes me back to and helps me on that path. I was told once that God's blessings are like a waterfall and when we make bad decisions or decide to live a life contrary to the Lord's teachings we step out of the waterfall, the waterfall doesn't stop flowing. God's help and blessings are always available if we do what is necessary to simply step back into the waterfall that has ALWAYS been flowing.

Cheers to a new year and a new decade.

Testimony

2009-11-13T00:23:00.002-07:00

This post is simply my testimony that Heavenly Father loves me. Life's loud distractions can easily drowned out those quiet reassurances. My mind has felt so cloudy and confused. After yesterdays total despair I wanted today to be better, it was. In reading the conference report tonight the spirit reminded me of my Fathers love for, and awareness of me.

MY FUTURE WEARS A MASK.

2009-11-02T23:22:00.005-07:00

My current circumstances are a complete reflection of the decisions I have made in my life over the last year. What I mean is that my POOR decisions have lead to POOR circumstances. Don't read too much into that, I most certainly have so much to be grateful for and presently feel more hope and see a brighter future than almost ever before in my life. The dilemma lies in getting from my less than ideal situation to the future situation I envision. I have the skeleton of progress and somehow must find the flesh to add to it. I have felt so much change inside myself yet my environment cannot keep up. The frustration this causes is a feeling I am far too familiar with. My reaction to the frustration is what forces me onto unfamiliar territory. In institute my instructor shared a native american tale of a chief who recites a story about two wolves who live inside each of us. One is faith, hope, confidence, truth, optimism, happiness, and so forth. The other is despair, confusion, frustration, depression, fear, deceit, etc...after the story is finished an indian child asks which wolf will win? The chief replies "whichever you feed". To this point in my life I fed the despair and fear. Frustration became an unconquerable beast because I fed it. What began as a normal, temporary frustrated mood became a faith, hope, and happy eating monster. I created something unmanageable within myself.

One of the sayings I love reads "If you want something you've never had you need to do things you've never done." I am attempting to be more conscience not of what I want, those things have remained constant, but of what I am doing to get those things. If the way I am living isn't getting me those things then changes must be made. I've also pondered the mirror image of that saying. Meaning, the things in my life I don't want are a direct result of my behavior or what I am doing. In either scenario the resolution is the same, MAKE CHANGES. As I prepared to read my scriptures last night I got the impression that I need to evaluate my life and identify where I must change. Then as I read in Alma 8 something in verse 18 came alive. After being rejected in Ammonihah Alma leaves the city only to be visited by an angel. The Angel tells Alma to go back to Ammonihah which leads into verse 18: "Now it came to pass that after Alma had received his message from the angel of the Lord he returned speedily to the land of Ammonihah. AND HE ENTERED THE CITY BY ANOTHER WAY..." My realization through this was that my approach to my problems or dilemmas or achievement of goals needs to be "by another way". If im not finding success in an area of my life then the approach needs to be modified. I don't modify enough. I need to find other ways.

I have found myself in some incredibly uncomfortable and painful situations recently. How grateful I am to know where to turn. To know whom to seek for comfort and courage. I now see the importance of facing our trials. Growth, healing, confidence, and becoming are all achieved through confronting of our trials not being delivered from them. I know I must be proven.

"Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts."

2009-09-06T10:53:00.003-06:00

Provo so far has been a positive move. Already I can feel the possibilities. I know it will be up to me however to work at putting the pieces together. I already have a temporary job and a few possible permanent opportunities.
The move certainly hasn't been seamless. Most change in my life comes with a few days or weeks of discomfort and apprehension. I know myself well enough to just ride it out and let myself get settled.
With all the hope and opportunity I knew there would be difficulty. Everything worthwhile in life takes effort and hard work. Living here now is so different than earlier this year.
Life moves forward and so must I.
Wherefore, ye must press forward.

"Trends do not change truths"

2009-08-30T22:43:00.002-06:00

Still waiting. I did however find out that the documentation I need has been sent and I should be able to move early this coming week. As difficult as it has been just waiting I have had time to do some valuable pondering, studying, and changing.

Yesterday was such an enjoyable day, well night actually. As I prepared to leave to meet up with Colby dark clouds threatened and a storm shortly followed. The night as a whole was fantastic, however it is just pieces that I want to focus in on. There is this whimsical candy shop across town called Powell's that we frequent for bottled sodas and retro candy. The place is wall to wall fun. While purchasing my goods the weather got crazy. As I took a moment to take in my surroundings I couldn't help but bury myself in the contrast I was living. candy shop inside, storm outside.
The next moment was driving back from Powell's and watching the sunset. It was the deepest orange I have ever seen. For some strange reason Boise was anew. Things that were visually so familiar seemed very different.
Lastly, we had just finished watching Beetlejuice and decided to witness the weather start to pick up again. As soon as we opened the door things went crazy. The lightning and thunder were constant and frequent. It began to rain which was then followed by marble sized hail, and a lot of it. Total madness.
So...I bring these up because they all taught me something, or at least helped me to understand things I already knew. The first is the contrast that life is full of. The light seems so much brighter when recently exiting a dark moment. Our lives seem sweeter when watching a loved one, or anyone for that matter, struggle in adversity. Truth and perspective seem so important while beholding others giving up. Or style vs. substance, and so on. Contrast is everywhere, and for me at that moment became a reminder of why I need to be grateful.
The sunset and the storm are tied together in the sense that too often beautiful things are remarkably under appreciated. The sunset illustrated to me that more time needs to be spent in awareness of the beautiful things my life is filled with. The storm was a visual portrait of beauty for ashes. Just like in Ether when the brother of Jared set sail to the promised land it was storms the Lord used to get them to their destination. I believe storms in our individual lives are used much the same way. The conclusion I came to last night was that there is beauty even in the midst of the storm if we allow ourselves to accept the trial(storm) as an opportunity to grow. It becomes less about enduring and more about experiencing, possibly even joyfully. Are there moments in our own struggles when we can appreciate the equivalent to the grandeur of a lightning lit sky or the refreshing wind against our face?

Anyway, that is just something I was thinking about that I wanted to document. I apologize if it sounds presumptuous.

CURRENTS.
Listening to Pearl Jam
Reading "Wherefore, ye must press forward" by Neal A. Maxwell
Watching The Human Family Tree
Missing companionship
Wondering what it is going to be like in Provo
Unsure if I am prepared to pursue romance????

"Patience makes lighter What sorrow may not heal."

2009-08-21T22:36:00.003-06:00

Not much to say. It's just been a few days since the last post. I think I am learning patience because things are taking so long. Car stuff sucks. All the possibilities are mocking me while I wait.
Kove asked me to lay down with him for a little bit tonight while he fell asleep. How could I resist? I couldn't! It was a way sweet moment. Definitely logged that one away in my happiness bank. Someday I would love to experience those same moments with my own kids. I thought I was so close. Life is a sneaky thing.
anyway, I am way happy and anxious to get going, Hopefully soon.

STUFF

2009-08-15T00:14:00.018-06:00

Loves...

art

this

the possibilities

Hates...

sleeping alone

Misses...

kisses

the beach

Wants...

this hair

her

this

Excited for...

school

wild things

"Love has nothing to do with what you are expecting to get, it's what you are expected to give -- which is everything."

2009-08-13T23:32:00.004-06:00

This entry will probably be the least insightful so far. I feel though that I need to be consistent and not wait long periods between posts. Currently I am just waiting. As soon as I get some things in order the adventure begins. I feel a lot of excitement and eagerness to get things going. My primary goals are centered around 1. my spiritual health and 2. my temporal independence (education etc...)
I have decided to move back to Provo. After spending much time weighing my options I believe Utah best holds the elements of what I need. Really there wasn't a whole lot of difference between moving and staying. The one thing that put moving over the top was the social life. When the time comes that I feel prepared to date I don't want to be trapped in Boise. Plus it will be nice to meet some new people and experience some new things. Already being faced with dating opportunities has been strange. Of course I can't entertain those opportunities until things are final. I want my introduction back into the "single" world to be natural, I don't want to force anything. Each day it gets more and more appealing. While the fog of left over feelings and issues clear away I see a romantic future as something I will want to pursue more and more. I want all the things I thought I was close to having. I feel that my circumstances have prepared me to be a better husband and father when that time comes. Even as I write this my heart swells a bit at the thought of having someone to love and take care of.
Things are good and are only going to get better.
Thank you to all who have supported me and loved me and given me great advice.
Everything feels possible.
Eventually.

"May every sunrise hold more promise, every moonrise hold more peace."

2009-08-10T12:18:00.008-06:00

I wish to speak plainly of the things I have learned and felt recently. I also hope to write in the attitude of closure. On my mind are the topics of the future, agency, gratitude, and testimony. I seek to somehow write the things that are now written on the walls of my heart and mind.
I fear that I have reflected and focused too long on my recent past. As much as I wish it wasn't my past I no longer have a say and must put that energy in making decisions that will create a new future. "Faith learns from the past but does not long to stay there". To dwell on what could have been, or what I could have done is exposing my lack of faith. Faith points in one direction, FORWARD. The fruits of faith are always redeemed in what is yet to come, not in what has already happened.

In moving forward comes the obvious fact that decisions need to be made. I want only to make the best decisions and to do so I know it is vital to make them the Lord's way. It is my perspective and attitude that will heavily influence my choices and in turn it is my, and our choices that determine who we are and who we will become. Our character is determined by our choices not the other way around. It is important for me to be consistent in utilizing a good decision making process so it will eventually become a positive habit. I do not believe we are subject to "who we are". I believe "who we are" is subject to our decisions.

"A penny will hide the biggest star in the Universe if you hold it close enough to your eye."

2009-08-05T23:14:00.003-06:00

It seems so much easier to write in here when feelings and events seem to overwhelm. I sit down to write tonight with the realization that my perspective is rotating daily and my composure increased. The deep roots of my faith have provided an anchor of a tree for me to hold on to. The blessings of simply living my faith have provided strength beyond mention. The Lord has truly helped to bare my burden.
I could never have imagined that I would be at a place of so much peace at this point. Just like the Title of this entry it is so easy to focus on the challenge right in front of us vs. realizing the magnificent potential behind it. Do not get me wrong the failure of my marriage still causes much sorrow. What I grasp now is that I still have a future. Many opportunities await and to eclipse the possibilities of life still to live with my current heartache would only make the tragedy more tragic.

I have learned so much. My heart is starting to believe the things my mind has been preaching. More change may still be in order? Laying a solid foundation for my future is my priority. I am doing my best to be patient and focus on the things I can control. Worrying about what I cannot control has lead to an ocean of unnecessary frustration and discouragement in my life. It is truly freeing to release that pressure.

I am certain I am on a good path. I know as long as I remain steadfast the right experiences and people will cross my path at the right time.

"Saints are sinners who kept on going."

2009-08-01T18:29:00.000-06:00

Everyday seems to be a reminder that life is difficult and every once in a while I get a reminder that it's worth it. In between it's all about remembering those reminders and trusting what I know is true.

The difficulty of moving on finally feels as though it has reached it's peak and seems more manageable everyday. What I didn't expect is the residue of damage I find myself having to confront. I have found that I am now much more skeptical of people and slower to trust. I worry that I wont believe that people wont leave even if they give me every evidence they wont. I never thought she would! It seems hard to believe that anyone can replace what I once had. Being alone is the preferable alternative. I lack trust in my own decisions. I see life through glasses tinted with cynicism.
Some of these may fade in time, and some may take a lot of work to correct. Some may correct themselves with the discovery of a new relationship. All I know is I must keep going. I must hold on. I must not lose faith in what has never lost faith in me.

I know that all the feelings and difficulties and moments that seem like giants now will eventually dim or transform. The one thing I believe will never fade is my sadness. Sadness in failure. Sadness for her. Sadness for me. Sadness for a life I really loved.

Cheers to hope!

"Faith is not something to grasp, it is a state to grow into."

2009-08-01T13:12:00.000-06:00

Its funny the things I find myself doing. In the last few weeks I've watched and listened to some things pertaining to marriage and courtship. I do so with the intent of comparing myself to what is taught. Looking for what I did wrong and even what I did right. It's sort of an odd, offbeat thing i've caught myself doing. Very insightful though I must admit.

In reflecting, which I do quite a bit recently I realized that on two of the most difficult days i've had I saw a rainbow. It reminded me of a quote I found years ago that I fell in love with. It says "Even if you cannot always see the silver lining on your clouds, God can, for He is the very source of the light you seek. He does love you, and He knows your fears. He hears your prayers. He is your Heavenly Father, and surely He matches with His own the tears His children shed."

"I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life."

2009-07-29T21:30:00.002-06:00

While reading last night I came across a passage that I felt I must implement in my attitude toward my present circumstances.

"Close contact with the coarse and the material in nature and man is a crucial test; but while it develops whatever is coarse and material in those subjected to it,-while the baser natures succumb, he who has in him the qualities of true manhood comes out from the ordeal purged and strengthened..." -Two Years Before the Mast

I know that this situation borne with the proper attitude will only make me a better man. Strengthened, wiser, smarter, more compassionate, more faithful, more experienced, more patient, more content, more grateful, better prepared, and with a greater capacity to love. I know through this I receive experience and perspective that someday may help me bless another.
"Out of the ashes grow the roses of success"! These are the roses available to me through the ashes of a failed marriage, a broken heart, and lost dreams.

The ashes elude to the fact that I don't believe this is what was supposed to happen, or that this is part of some predetermined plan. I believe this is the product of an equation of decisions and like any experience I can choose whether this will build me up or knock me down.

I am grateful for my faith through which I have obtained a vast amount of healing. I know the hurt will remain and the mending will be slow. If it wasn't I would question the love I claim to have.

The future is my focus. What matters now are my decisions from here on out. I will remember our time with fondness however, unlike Lot's wife, I cannot pause and look back longingly at what could have been.

THE CURRENTS...

2009-07-29T00:21:00.000-06:00

Currently listening to Van Morrison.
Currently eating pretzel flips.
Currently reading Two Years Before the Mast.
Currently wishing time would go faster.
Currently building a future.
Currently loves this...